Deconstructing the New England Shirt

March 30th, 2009 | by: Daryl |

I’ve been a little worried about all the hype surrounding the new England shirt. This revolutionary garment that would redefine fashion, football, religion and humanity forever. Or at least until the next one comes out in 2011.

Not because it’s bad. It’s actually pretty decent. I like it. My problem has been with the pomposity of the launch. The big unveiling – the England players wore training tops to hide the shirts before finally unzipping to reveal the damn things while lined up for the national anthems at Wembley – was a triumph of commercialization over tradition.

National anthems are supposed to be somewhat solemn and respectful. They’re not supposed to be an opportunity to sell £45 basic white polo shirts to a nation in recession.

I’m not blaming the players. Maybe they could have said “No way, this is stupid” and refused to participate. But for the most part the players do what the FA’s commercial people tell them to do, if they want to keep playing for England. So I thought it was worth deconstructing some of the bullsh*t and arrogance surrounding this new wonderkit, especially the technical jargon on Umbro’s special new England shirt site:

Translation: We sewed badges on. Just like on every other football shirt ever.

Translation: The neck bit opens up a bit. Imagine that.

Translation: It’s got a stiff collar. Like when you use too much starch.

Translation: We put creases in the shoulder. Nobel prize arriving any day now probably.

Translation: There are holes in it. Sorry about that.

Translation: Research indicated that 99% of wearers would be of the human species, so we put sleeves in it. You know, for humans. Genius.

Translation: Beer has a lot of calories in it. Even our official beer Carlsberg won’t make you any thinner. It’s not magic. As a result some England fans are a bit… girthy. And so we double-stitched some parts.

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Abe

brilliant! couldn’t have written it better myself. I do like the look of it though but it is ridiculous to make the unveiling a circus, especially during the National Anthem. maybe they were going for symbolism? if that’s the case, it’ll mean we’re going all the way in 2010!
http://epl.theoffside.com Rob

“Translation: Research indicated that 99% of wearers would be of the human species, so we put sleeves in it. You know, for humans. Genius.”

But what about the 1%? Will someone think of the nations pets!

Seriously though, good stuff, made me chuckle. The thing that gets me about the shirt is that there’s no way I’d pay that much for such a plain shirt. Though I’ve not bought a new shirt in ages, c’est le vie.
http://wolves.theoffside.com/ Toby

It kinda looks like a training top, or like the kind Steve Mclaren used to wear when doing interviews for Saturday Morning football shows, you know, kind of like the kind of thing that you buy if you don’t want to wear the strip, yet want to have something with the england crest on…it’s a bit weird.

Hell, if we lift the World Cup in it I’m sure it’ll go down in history as the best since 66…

Just a thought, aren’t the Home and Away strip now entirely different in style from one another? It’ll be a bit weird.
James

hahaha, that is the most incredibly lame shirt design i’ve ever seen.

i’ve not really liked any of the recent england shirts except the 05 home shirt with the + on the shoulders but that is awful. who would pay 45 quid for a shirt which is basically just like any other white polo shirt you could get for under a fiver at QS, albeit with an umbro badge and an england badge.

last shirt i brought was a blue Sweden away shirt which is also an umbro effort, but with slightly more effort put into the design than just deciding wether to have the badge in the middle or to the side…
(in case you’re wondering, i got the sweden shirt for euro 2008 since england didnt qualify, and im now living there so they’re kinda like my 2nd national side now)

anyway, i wont be buying this one, sorry fabio
Ash

I agree, the shirt is really plain. I see Subside Sports have teamed up with The British Legion and are offering a shirt with the poppy logo and A British forces patch, looks much better in my opinion and shows support for our boys!
http://epl.theoffside.com Rob

Its probably much thicker and heavier than just a polo shirt and its designed to be like the old school shirts isn’t it?
http://leeds.theoffside.com j

Would you expect anything different from Umbro’s new owners? It’s £40 for a “fine” shirt but to call it it “bespoke tailoring” is an outright lie. There have been other smaller clubs that have actually retained quality manufacturers for “blanks” but no one thought of bilking the public like this.
Weston

i dont like it much either, its even worse than the italy away.

ps, James! does that mean you like ibra? mellberg and ekdal are ok, but i HATE ibra!
Weston

plus, you guys have only won the WC once, so why did you hide the only star you have? it blends right in, it was a lot better gold.
http://juventus.theoffside.com alessio

Hilarious, Daryl. Great work.
http://www.newells.theoffside.com Jeremy

That’s got to be one of your better works.
http://ownage.countzeero.eu theCount

excellent sarky article … love the bit about England supporters being a bit girthy…
Kyle

This shirt is so lame. Great article.
dan f

am i the only one who likes this shirt, i think its better than the last few we’ve had, the only reason i wont be buying it is because of the £50 price tag, i think umbro are really out of touch with this price, have they not noticed that this country is in a recession and most of us cant go and splash out on a £50 UMBRO top!
TOD

Well written… I really like the new shirt, not overdesigned like recent efforts… however I’m not quite sure what your 50 quid is actually paying for?
timA

also i liked the new kit is very simple and at the same time is very clean, i guess pay for a cheap one, only $50 dollars not quids…look for yourself

http://www.onestopshirts.com/index.php/England/New-England-Home-Shirt-09/11/flypage.tpl.html
http://cl.theoffside.com Sam

England must get away from the horror-show called Umbro!