The Latest News Items Decoded for Your Convenience, #2

Item: Arsenal not interested in Beckham
Item decoded: Like I said, fair-haired boys don’t cut it with Wenger. He’s a brunette man.

Item: David O’Leary thinks Gareth Barry deserves a shot in the midfield
Item decoded: Never mind Aston Villa’s treading water in the bottom third of the table, boardmembers and fans: We’ve got real issues here! (Plus if I don’t stick up for the lad he’ll fuck off somewhere up the table this summer.)

Item: Alan Curbishley still fancies Sven’s job.
Item decoded: And I still fancy Angelina Jolie — and then I wake up every morning and sigh ruefully and get on with my life.

Item: Now Stuart Pearce says he’ll interview with the FA.
Item decoded: What a cock-up he’s made of this, and he hasn’t even been interviewed yet. ‘I don’t want the job.’ ‘I won’t tell you if they interview me.’ ‘I want the job.’ ‘I’m going in for an interview.’ This guy could be the ‘DON’T’ in an instructive booklet about how to apply for the job you’ve always wanted.